The Divine Secrets of a Southern Diva

Note to readers: I’ve changed the settings so that you don’t have to log in or be a member to leave comments.  Put whatever name you want in the field and type to your hearts content!

First of all, a few people have signed up or messaged me that they read this and I wanted to welcome new readers! I hope I keep you are sufficiently entertained.

Now, this has been quite a week. I’ve learned some things, done some things…

Lesson 1: Ali should not eat Chinese food anymore.
No, this isn’t gross. I just almost had an aneurysm while trying to get it delivered to my house. I took it as a sign from God to stop eating it. It’s not good for you no matter how much veggies are in there so it should be a no-brainer but it TASTE SO GOOD and I get crazy cravings for it and just HAVE to have it.  Like on Wednesday.

I got home from work, ordered  from Hunan River in River Oaks Shopping Center around 5:30. It usually takes about 30 minutes for them to deliver it. At 6:45 I called looking for it. Oh, the dude couldn’t find my house. Ok… am I gonna get some fresh food? Yes. Ok. He should be here in 10 minutes.

20 minutes later I call back. (PS, my stomach feels like it’s eating itself at this point.) She doesn’t know where he is. I walk out on my porch while I’m  on the phone with her and I see homeboy knocking on a bunch of my neighbors doors looking for our house. The numbers are ON THE HOUSES. So, I get my food sign the slip (no tip- sorry, I don’t reward dumbassery). I open the bag and the food is wet, cold and soggy. Literally water pouring out because of the condensation. They hadn’t replaced the food from the original 6PM delivery. It’s nearly 7:30 now. I’m LIVID.

I call back looking for the manager. He’s not in and no one can do anything- not send out fresh food, not give me a refund- nothing. So I leave a message for him to call me back, order food from another place and go pick it up.  And I am hungry and ANGRY. People should know not to fuck with a fat girl’s food.

I had to call back because after another hour because the manager hadn’t returned my call. I’m like a mad, rabid bitch at this point because I realized that the little credit card slip I signed was for $32 and I know my total was around $18. The chick answering the phone was like “Oh that’s not the right price! I took your order!” Well, no fucking shit. She says she’s gonna call me back. And I know she was. Because I threatened to go up there and make a scene in front of the customers. I’m sure a crazy chubby chick screaming and throwing fried rice around would have been hilarious, yet off-putting to the clientele.

She calls me back and says she’s gonna refund the difference plus 15% of the cost of the food. Um. NO. Did you hear the words coming out of my mouth? I didn’t eat that garbage! I ordered dinner from Kams! I’m a crazy lunatic on this phone and I WILL CUT YOU! WTF 15%? I will show you 15%. IN YOUR ASS WITH MY FOOT.

She tells me the only way I can I can get a refund is if I give them the food back. Awesome! Come get it. She sends the same dude out. He found it easily this time! He sheepishly knocks on my door. When I opened it he actually asked me if it was all the food. YES and I slam the door.

And Kam’s wasn’t even good. So, I’m swearing off Chinese. (Until I get one of those insatiable cravings. Shut up. Don’t give me that look.)

Lesson 2: My man likes argyle sweater vests?
Mikey-poo needed some new clothes so off to the mall we went. Now, anyone who knows him knows that he wears two types of shirts: Short-sleeved button down, plaid or solid and long-sleeved button down, plaid or solid.  That’s it. No sweaters, golf shirts, sweat shirts.  Nothing fancy, either. No silky dress fabrics or crazy prints. So, when he picked up an argyle sweater vest to try on, I almost died. Then when he liked it I almost died two times! He looked really cute in it, though. And he bought 2 of them. My MIkey’s all grown up, y’all!

Lesson 3: Refinishing furniture is fun as long as we have bug spray handy.
We spent our Sunday afternoon working on our patio furniture. I have this great wood and iron set that I had bought about 6 years ago. It’s pretty weathered so we sanded it and stained it again. It came out great! But man, you haven’t seen two more cranky people while working on it. We were dinner for lots of mosquitoes tonight. Don’t be shocked if we come down with West Nile.

Lesson 4: My Big Redneck Wedding is my new favorite show.
Mike can thank Style Network’s The Dish for this. I didn’t know this show existed until today. I saw a clip from it and just HAD to watch. OMG OMG OMG! I got the bestest wedding ideas! Like fishing in the bayou and catching food for our wedding buffet, saving on flowers by making a rose bouquet out of Copenhagen lids (it don’t ever die!) and giving a raccoon penis as a wedding gift. I’m dvr’ing every episode. There are 4 in my queue now.

Lesson 5: Mike and I are hams.
Put on your shock faces, people! I know this is news to you all. Saturday we went all over downtown getting our pictures taken! We haven’t gone through and picked out all the ones we like but these are a couple of my favorites.

I know that last one isn’t really a lesson, but WHATEVER! We are cute.

Off to bed now. I need my beauty sleep.

Gettin’ ready for the week ahead-
Ali

PS: Reason number 12 that I’m old: I’d rather get take-out and watch What Not To Wear on a Friday night than do anything else. And I was in bed by 1030 Friday night. OLD.