The Divine Secrets of a Southern Diva

Last night was the big Bret Michaels show. No, not Rock of Love- he actually played the Meridian in Houston and I was there to witness the glorious parade of people stuck in the 80′s.

Now, the show was aight. I’ve seen Poison a bazillion times. This was just Poison minus CC, Riki and Bobby. Honestly. He said the same things he always says and even encored with “Nothing but a goood fuckin’ time!” Nothing ground breaking and I missed CC’s crazy guitar and stupid “I hate every bone in her body but mine” song. There was some super pathetic opening act called Midnight Circus. Grown men in their 40′s with hair down to their ass, wearing a shit-ton of eyeliner, rockin’ out like it was 1986. And they ain’t never been famous so it’s not like it was their shtick back in the day. They have to have day jobs or something. It was really a ‘What the Fuck” moment. I just kept thinking that these people cannot be fuckin’ for real.

What made the show so incredibly awesome were the people attending. I’m probably going straight to hell for writing this, but god damn. I had my camera and I just couldn’t resist documenting.

First, let’s start with those who got in their Delorean’s and popped in from 1986.

This fool was the lead singer for Midnight Circus. DREAMY! Check out his silver eyeliner.

And this fool was the guiarist. *swoon*

The best way to not draw attention to the massive bald spot is to grow long hair around it. And to wear a flaming skull shirt. Hot.

Hi. Please wear bras. And don’t be geeks who wear the shirt to the show. Especially for the loser opening act.

And then there’s the women. God love ‘em if they think they look good. But come ON. Chubby hairy dudes wearing bikini’s and lipstick are more attractive than this shit. I just don’t get it.

Considering how much this chick drank, I just kept hoping she wasn’t actually pregnant.

Designer couture by Freddy Krueger.

This… I don’t even know what to make of it. It’s like she randomly grabbed two articles of clothing from her closet while wearing a blindfold and made an outfit.

This is my ode to Britney. If these chicks bent over we’d get to see all kinds of cheeks and chick meat.

These two looked like they were 12 and he kept feeling her up. Daddy would be so proud.

Hey! She’s got her hands on her tits. CLASSY!

AREOLA ALERT! This bitch had like triple Z sized boobs and wore a strappless top. I tried so hard to get a front angle shot but she was too quick for me. I have no idea how with 2 watermelons on her chest, but she was.

Awwww. This is Christine. She was sweet. And slightly smitten with me which is both flattering and unnerving all at once. She offered to take pics of me and the girls. Then took that pic you see up top of Bret because I was too short to get any good ones. Then she proceeded to tell me that we had a connection. And that she never did stuff like this before but we were kindred spirits and that I had an aura of goodness around me and only good things would be in my future. Then she tried to kiss me. Twice. I moved and she only caught my cheek. CREEPY. Sweet, but creepy. She was, like, 8 feet tall, too. Maybe my aura makes me look taller and thinner.

Now, I’m only putting this pic in to be a supreme bitch. I snapped it because I liked her hair. She freaked when I did saying “it was NOT cool.” Whatever, sister. You are in a public place therefore I can take your picture. Suck it. Because she was so ugly, I’m posting it. She also has a salon in Sugarland. I forget her name, otherwise I’d post that, too. Bitch.

I’m thinking these chicks are hoping for a “Rock of Love 3″. Fingers crossed, ladies!

This is my personal choice. Grannie’s love Bret, too, y’all!

We did get to meet some “celebrities”!

Here is Big John, Bret’s bodyguard and “host” for Rock of Love, stepping on me.

Then he posed with us. Which was nice of him since he pretty much ran right over me. That fucker is huge.

Then we saw Rod Ryan from 94.5 The Buzz. He was shy at first, but then wanted to actually pose with us. This is the second time I randomly ran in to him somewhere. The last time he was standing on a table at Woodrows and broke it, then posed for a pic with Mike’s sister from New Jersey who had no idea who he was.

And these people thought it was a costume party. They were awesome.

Seriously, y’all. I hadn’t laughed so hard in a good long time.

Thank you, Bret Michaels! Thank you for everything!

-Rocked out with my cock out
Ali

PS- I can’ believe Bret kept Daisy on. That bitch looks like a monkey- especially when she cries.

PPS- The preview for next week showed Bret not wearing a hat or bandanna!! OMG. Can’t wait.