The Divine Secrets of a Southern Diva

I’m a total sucker for some good reality TV. Notice I said good.

Well, even some bad. Real bad. But I don’t care! I’m fascinated by the spectacles people will make of themselves. Mainly because I love making a spectacle of myself… but not in the same way. Some of these people are plum ass crazy.

My first and foremost love is American Idol. I love to sing along. I love it when contestants have their “moment” where the starts align and the heavens open and magic comes from their mouthes to my ears. I clap and cheer and get retarded for them. And when someone is bad, I like to razz them. I don’t care if they can’t hear me. I hear me. And that makes me happy.

Simon is almost always right. Almost. Sometimes he’s just cranky. Paula (who I IDOLIZED [lolz] back in the day) is pure comedy. She don’t even make sense. She puts words together that don’t mean shit. They are just words, floating out there in air. When she stutters it’s even more awesome. And Randy- his lingo is just hilarious. The only way to know what he is really feeling is to see his expression because those words he’s using have no bearing on the show. Dawg.

I also love dancing shows- namely Dancing with the Stars and So You Think You Can Dance. I actually refer to DWTS by the theme music- as in “Bump-Bump is on tonight! w00t!” Which makes Mike raff and raff.

The dancing shows just bring out my inner dancer. I took dance lessons from the time I was 3 until I was about 16. I love to dance, loved the recitals and the costumes and the makeup. LOVED it. Some of the professionals on DWTS are so incredible. My favorites are Julianne Hough, Cheryl Burke and Maksim Chermakovskiy (who isn’t on this season and it makes me quite sad). This season’s contestants are just ok. No one is just making me really root for them. There’s no Emmit or Drew or Joey yet.

The one person I have major issue with is Priscilla Presley. Now, for a 63 year old woman, she can move. I am impressed with that. But god help me, looking at her gives me the creeps. She looks like the walking dead. There are stories all over the net that she had some botched botox-like injections by some dumbass fake doctor. Face is all swollen and distorted. Then to add to that, she puts on crazy goth/clown makeup and has some auburn/raven flat ironed hair. She looks absolutely ridiculous. And she was so insanely beautiful.

She went from this:

And this:

To this:

And the judges keep telling her she’s beautiful. In what fucking world, you weirdos! She looks like a bloated baboon’s ass. The footage of her practices is nightmare inducing. Her makeup is melting off and you can see that none of her features are in the right spot. Like the middle of her lip is practically on her cheek. It gives me the goddamn heebs. It’s utterly ridiculous and she did it to herself. Stop injecting poison into your faces you crazy bitches. Age gracefully and enjoy every minute of it.

Anyway.

I love So You Think You Can Dance, too. Seriously, I cried when Benji won 2 years ago. Some of those contestants are so amazingly talented. And the choreographers are incredible. I get giddy, man.

I am also a faithful watcher of Rock of Love with Brett Michaels. I was a Poison fan from the time I was 11. And if Brett actually got rid of the fake hair and makeup, he’d be smokin hot still. But alas, he can’t let go. He really needs to take a page out of Jon Bon Jovi’s “How To Look Like A Delicious Piece Of Rock Star Man-Meat Past Age 40″ book.

Really, this show should be called Rock of Skanks. They are so awful but it’s so much fun to watch. These chicks are pathetic. Like, just crazytown slut puppies who want to be on TV and/or fuck a rock star. Aging non-relevant rock star, but rock star none the less.

Not that I’m dogging Brett too much. I am going to his show on Saturday at The Meridian. Holla.

And finally, I’ve taken a shine to this season’s The Bachelor- London Calling. I never really watched it before, but this dude is English and funny. He’s handsome, charming and seems genuine. And will make a fool out of himself dancing on national television. That scores him points with me.

So, that’s what I’m watching. I’ll be posting updates to them as the season plays out. Tell me what you fools are watching.

-Constantly cursing the remote for fast-fowarding too fast
Ali