Peddle your crazy elsewhere…
We are all full up here.
I borrowed that sentiment from Katie who loves the line “Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.” from As Good As It Gets. Honestly, I think sometimes I’m a magnet for socially challenged mental midgets and all out balls-to-the-wall crazy folk.
1. If you can’t write, please don’t email or text message me in any sort of way. I’ve a real low tolerance for dumbass. If you can’t take the time to spell out “you” or “are” and you are an adult? You and I should never communicate, ever, in any capacity.
2. Myspace whores: If you feel the need to invite every Tom, Dick (hehe I said dick), and Harry to show them your tits, please pass up any profile with the name Ali in it. I promise you, I don’t want to see them. Or your cooch. Or you in a thong. Or in a bra. Or in any other various states of undress. Really. I have my own to marvel at. I don’t need yours, thank you very much.
3. Myspace dudes: No, I don’t want to meet with you on IM to see if we can maybe chat and someday get married. I have a dude. An awesome dude. One who is way more awesomer than you. So suck it and stop sending me invites.
4. If you decide you want a dog, please take care of it. Don’t leave it on your deck (in my backyard) all fucking day where the gardener can’t get in to mow because he’s scared of it. Don’t leave it out there with so little water that he sucks down the bowl of it I give him in a matter of seconds. You seemed like a nice guy until this. Don’t make me hate you.
5. Stop asking me for ridiculous, mind-dumbing, waste-of-my-precious-time bullshit. I don’t care. I don’t want to deal with you. You are about as important as a vagina to a gay man.
6. If you are going to say something that incurs my wrath and you do it knowingly, why do you get upset when I let loose on you? That’s pretty fucking stupid if you ask me.
7. Chocolate Teddy Grahams are quite delicious. This has absolutely no bearing on this blog-o-crazy, but I’m eating them right now and they are nummy.
Seriously, people. Don’t make me cut a bitch. I’m way too busy for that shit. Take your crazy somewhere else.
Footloose and Crazy-free.
-Ali
Oh crap… that was DAMN hilarious. And classy. You’re one in a million.
Except the dog thing. Don’t make me cut a bitch in Houston for leaving his dog outside all day. That dog is too cute for words and I’d be really sad if anything ever happened to him.
This was priceless. I’d almost suggest passing your tiaras on to the drama queens that REALLY need it, but even YOU don’t have that many in your possession. Hell, I don’t think we have enough between the two of us.
How’d people get so damn insane? Oh wait… :p
Love you so friggin’ much!
Please stop blogging about me.
*crazy*
Thanks for sharing your craziness. But seriously, if you could do me a favor? Next time you see your dumbass neighbor with the cute dog. Tell him that if he can’t take care of it, find someone who can.
Have you tried the Chocolate Teddy Grahams with a nice Zinfandel? Or a shiraz?
haha, this is so beautiful… because it’s so true for many of us.
I loved numer 2. And 6. But 2 especially.
LMAO… Rock on ya fuckin’ fruitloop… LMAO God, that still slays me.
It seems like everyone has a myspace now. The sluts, the man-whores, and yes, even the folks at the asylum. Someone should take that up with Congress.
And who does that to their dog? That’s horrible! I expect a blog soon about the “chat” you’ll have with your neighbor about it.. LOL
Love ya, babe!!
Fucking awesome. Give ‘em hell my divalicious friend. Give ‘em hell with zero chance for redemption.
Also –those teddy grahams sound dee-lish.
LOL!!!! That was hilarious.
“You are about as important as a vagina to a gay man.” Oh, Ali, you make smile and giggle lol.
Do you mind if I use this from time to time? I have to say that has been the best quote I have heard lately. hahaha. This was great.
LOVE
HEY! I LIKE my CRAZY!