The Divine Secrets of a Southern Diva

That’s me. And lots of other plus-size chicks. Big chicks. “Real women”. What-the-fuck-ever you want to label us.

Personally, I like to call us women.  You know, with breasts and hips and high-heels. Some of us have sass and some of us have shampoo-commercial hair. You see us every day, walking past you at the mall, in your office or on the bus. We come  in all shapes and sizes and colors. Some of us are funny and super-smart. Some of us are nurturing. Some of are big balls of fun. And some of us are all of the above. And I know all of this because I am all of this.

So, it totally irks my cheese to see a show like More To Love.   It’s basically The Bachelor for fat kids. The premise of the show is for “real women” find their perfect love with this bachelor… a guy who likes big women. A guy who is also big. It’s the nerd fraternity of dating shows. As if no one else would date these people but their own kind. Its like TV execs wanted to throw the fat kids a pity-fuck. Might as well have called it  Omega Mu of Love. (Mad respect to all who get that ref.)

I’d said on Facebook that I wasn’t going to be watching, but I’ve changed my mind. I’d like to know what kind of women they chose for the show. If it’s a bunch of whiny I-hate-myselves, I’m going to barf. I mean, I’ve seen the previews. They are all beautiful. But why are they there? What makes them think they need to go on some gimmicky TV show? If they want to get into to TV and think this is how, I’d actually respect that more than thinking they were going to find true love. But I get the feeling from some of the tearful previews that these chicks are clinging to this as some last hope. The ridiculous come-on lines they giving the guy, the crying about finding themselves. Like, you really need to make a fool of yourself on national TV to do that? On a show that is ridiculing and demoralizing who you are?

Since high school, I’ve been a size 11+. Since I was about 18, I’ve never had an issue getting male attention. The guys weren’t always great, but that’s a different lesson for another blog. (I learned all about finding good ones way later in life.) The point is, I didn’t sit at home crying in my ice-cream about not getting dates because I was getting them. Cute guys, funny guys, hot guys, smart guys, dumb guys… I dated all sorts.  The older I got, the more confidence and wisdom I had the easier it was. I’m at the biggest I’ve ever been in my life right now and I still get it. It’s not just men, it’s from people in general.

That’s not to say I don’t have any insecurities. God, no. Just because I accept them doesn’t mean I’m ok with them. Do I wish I was fit? Yes. Do I wish I had better hair? Yes. Do I wish I were taller? Yes. But those insecurities don’t define me and they certainly don’t hold me back. I walk into a room and I own it because I believe in myself. I know I’m funny and I’m smart and I’m creative. I know my strengths and use them, both in my personality and my appearance. I do thinks that make me feel good and I’m happy being me.

I’m not writing this to brag about my awesomeness, so please don’t take it that way. I just don’t know how to help other women who have self-esteem issues to get past them to see their own awesomeness. I actually get asked for advice on this a lot. I wish I could snap my fingers and make them see how amazing THEY are and to be able to feel for a moment what it’s like to believe in yourself and really, truly love themselves insecurities, faults and all.

So a show like this just pisses me off to all levels of pistivity. What I’d like to see is plus-sized, beautiful, confident ladies competing against socially-acceptable sized, beautiful, confident ladies for a man. The dude needs to be a catch- cute, funny, successful and most of all, a great big heart. No arrogant douchebags or self-pitying sad puppy types. Let them all compete for his affections and let the best woman win. THAT’S reality, my friends. Well, also 20 chicks aren’t usually competing for the same guy unless you live in Alaska… but I think it’s the other way around there. ANYWAY, I think that sort of show where women of all sizes are seen as equals and not classed differently would do a lot more for women’s self esteem concerning body issues than this dumb-ass show.

Sidebar: I typed “pistivity” and my spell check didn’t catch it. So I go to Merriam-Webster and sure enough, it’s a word. I totally thought it was just a funny Ali-ism I made up years ago. Ya always learn something new reading my blogs.

Double side bar: So, I haven’t been blogging lately and I don’t know why. I just haven’t felt all bloggy lately. Which is weird. At this rate, I’ll be taking over the internet wearing depends and false teeth. I’m going to try to make an effort to blog more regularly. Y’all should tell me what kinds of topics y’all want to read. I’ll try to accommodate.

As for me, here are some highlights from the last couple of months:

• I had a birthday- the big 3-4. Officially mid-thirties now.  Mikey got me my very own full set of Buffy DVD’s along with some other cute little things AND Sugarbaby’s cupcakes. It was a nice birthday. Megan and Kristen took me out one night to Benjy’s and my parents took me out to Italianos.
• We’ve been planning our vacation to go “down the shore” as the Jersey folk say. SO excited!
• I’ve been re-watching Bones and drooling over David Boreanaz while Mike screams out “HIYOID!” as in “HI-OH” Ed McMahan/Brett Michaels style every time they mention that particular bone. And I always crack up.
• Kristen spent 4th of July weekend with us. We pretty much ate and drank our way through it. And watched Bones.
• I saw my old college friend Marna that I reconnected with through Facebook this weekend which was hoot. We’re gonna do drinks and dinner soon. Hopefully. And maybe Terry will join us.
• Mike has a couple of clients he’s doing some cool projects for. I hope they can turn into something big.
• My sister and my sister-in-law are both pregnant and due in January about a week or so apart. It’s like baby-fest around here.
• My niece has learned that every one drinks beer and she drinks water. “Madeline, what’s daddy drinking?” “Beewr!” I love that so hard.
• She also loves my purse, bracelets and blackberry. She has to wear my bracelet while taking everything out of my purse and handing it to me, then put it all back in. And apparently she has a shoe fetish. She got her first pair of Nike Shox and begs to wear them. She picks them out over all other shoes and walks around showing them to everyone pointing at her foot in the air saying “shoes!”. Seriously, she’s only 18 months old. I LOVE it.
• She also loves Mike. She calls him “Dee-dee”. We don’t know why. But she loves to say his name over and over again. “Hiiiii Dee Dee!” Until he responds to her. Or Sarah will call me and tell her it’s me and she’s screaming “Hiiii Dee-dee!” even if he’s not with me. She’ll finally say my name but Dee-dee is always first.
• Sarah and I spent the afternoon doing lunch, a mani/pedi and the chocolate store. The perfect day for a pregnant lady and her chubby sister. I had a blast.

So, I think you are all caught up with me. Catch me up on you, ok?

WARNING: Next blog will most likely be filled with So You Think You Can Dance. Because it’s the greatest show on TV right now. (Except for Bones but that’s more because I want to lick David Boreanaz.)

Hugs,
Ali

My real love of Michael Jackson happened at Aly McLeod’s 8th birthday party. We watched the HBO special “The Making of Thriller” and I was hooked. I was 7. Over the next few years I collected music, books, t-shirts, posters, stickers… you name it. I saw every TV special and even learned the Thriller dance.

God, I remember throwing a HUGE fit and crying because my mom wouldn’t let me stay up and watch him win the 8 Grammy’s for Thriller. I cried and listened really hard so I heard it all.

I had this poster in my room. I’m not gonna lie- I talked to it.  Shut your faces, I was like, 8!

I remember my friend Tony Poche loved him, too. We used to bring the Thriller tape to school and blast it in our jam-boxes while swinging and singing at the top of our lungs at recess.

Yes, I was a hard-core 8 year old.

I used to listen to Thriller over and over again. I had one of those little small, hand-held tape recorders and I’d play, rewind, play. And sing. And dance.

Man, could he dance. He moved like no one else. I remember seeing him moonwalk on the 25th Anniversary Motown special. It blew my mind. It was so awesome. I remember several people doing impersonations for the talent show. And I remember the dance school I went to did Thriller as the finale and had a guy dance to Billie Jean. T-boy Hamilton, I think it was. He was older than me- probably in high school. I remember being so impressed. I mean, I was 7, people. It was pretty freakin’ impressive.

Now, the yellow sweater poster was actually my favorite, but i didn’t have that one. I couldn’t find it. I did have it on a t-shirt, though. And  a sticker. Tony had it and I was totally jealous. And she had a trampoline that was totally awesome.

I even had a t-shirt with him and E.T. on it. E.T. was my favorite movie, too, so of course this was a sign that we should be bff forever. Again, I was 8. Shut up.

God, I would dance for hours to his music. I also had Off the Wall and I bought the Jacksons Victory album. I had books on the family. I was 8 and read an actual adult biography on him. I had a cool picture book, too, from Weekly Reader that was awesome. I knew EVERYTHING. I used to be able to name all the kids, in birth order. Not even playin’. I read that his dad was abusive so I automatically hated him. And I was a Janet Jackson fan long before she released the Control album. I watched her as Penny, Cleo and Charlene. Penny in re-runs, though.

I was seriously ridonklous. I mean, I remember Kim Fields (Tootie from The Facts of Life) singing a song called Dear Michael on American Bandstand because she was such a fan. Hi, I’m crazy. Nice to meet you.

Mike teases me that when I like something, I can’t just enjoy it. I have to, like, bathe in it. Roll around the floor in it. Become one with it. I’d like to say he’s full of shit, but he’s not. I have to pretty much absorb all knowledge I can of something.  This started really young, as you can see.

To this day, hearing Thriller makes me break out and dance. I was in NYC a few years ago with Mike and Dianne. We went to Planet Hollywood after drinking A LOT. We did it because we were too drunk to go find real food and it was right there. I get in the lobby and what’s on? The Thriller video. I danced along with it right there. It was a great moment for me and the other tourists hanging out down there.

The thing about Michael is that he is, undeniably, the Elvis of our time. His music and legacy forever changed pop music- how it’s created and marketed. He pioneered the music video. He could move like no one else. He had an amazing voice. He was epic and over the top and simply awesome. And like Elvis, he died young and unexpectedly after a very hard fall from grace.

No matter what happened in the last 15 years, the first 35 were spectacular. He was a visionary and a dreamer and an artist. He will surely be missed.

My ode to the King of Pop:

RIP.
-Ali

This is some stupid fuckery right here.

A new Buffy movie without Joss Whedon or any of the Buffy cast and made by the same dumbasses that produced the first movie.

Dear Hollywood,

I know you fuckers have very little original ideas and hell, I’m all for revamping some old franchise and breathing life into it. HOWEVER, BUFFY ISN’T DEAD YET. ASSHOLES.

The premise is based on the idea that “unto each generation a slayer is born”. Meaning they can make a brand new slayer with new Scoobies and all would be copacetic. I’d be down with that, oh, in about 20 years or so.

However, they are still playing out Buffy Season 8 in comic books.  And Angel After the Fall. And Spike just got a new book. The series has only been gone for 5 years. And Joss won’t be writing it. That’s some bullshit.

Furthermore, how the hell can you have a Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie with NO GOD DAMN BUFFY?

This is my favorite part: The new “Buffy” film, however, would have no connection to the TV series, nor would it use popular supporting characters like Angel, Willow, Xander or Spike. Vertigo and Kuzui are looking to restart the story line without trampling on the beloved existing universe created by Whedon, putting the parties in a similar situation faced by Paramount, J.J. Abrams and his crew when relaunching “Star Trek.”

Um. Star Trek was OLD. And the original cast is OLD. Some are gone. And it has seen several reincarnations already. And this was the first movie that made substantial money in the history of ever for that franchise. And JJ Abrahms kept the same characters and told their story from a different perspective.

THIS IS SO NOT THE SAME THING YOU FUCKING JACKASSES.

They are trampling on sacred ground, here. I will not have it. I would like to barf on their heads. While kicking them repeatedly.

It is my personal mission to stop this ridiculous shit.

-Ali

Every girl needs one and this is mine.

This is my new comforter set. I had given my bedroom a little facelift about a year ago when Linen N Things went out of business. For less than $100 or so, I bought a duvet, throw pillows, lamp shades and table clothe thingy. Instant makeover. I stayed in the same color family, just updated the look.

However, no one told me what a BITCH duvet covers are. Every day we’d wake up and somehow the comforter inside the damn thing would bunch up on my side and Mike would only have the duvet itself covering him. Then he’d cry because he’s cold and never has enough covers and lord KNOWS I can’t deal with the tears.

So, I’ve been looking for about 6 months for a good deal in the right colors and FINALLY. Found this on sale at JCPenny for like 60% off, plus a coupon and I had a gift card. Happy early-birthday to me!

Ain’t it pretty, y’all? You can’t see all that well, but there is the obvious gold and chocolate but there is some rose and sage, too.  It’s good quality, too, which was one thing I was looking for. Pretty as that duvet was it’s total crap. The last set I had was pretty expensive but it lasted for about 7 years. The comforter was really heavy and I wanted the same thing.  This one isn’t quite as heavy, but it’s close.

So, this is my new happy place. And I need it. I was really looking forward to the holiday weekend. I wanted to do nothing. I was going to work from home for about a half day Friday and not think about it until my 7:30 conference call on Tuesday. Well, that went to shit when an emergency came up. So, I worked until about 10 pm on Friday, tried to finish Saturday but Google maintenance made that impossible. So I finished today.

Lucky for me, 3 of my awesome team members came in to help. Normally, this is something I handle on my own but it was so overwhelming that I would have taken the whole weekend. It still took 4 people working 6 hours straight to get it all finished today. So, I’m very lucky for my work people because otherwise I may have slit my wrists by the end of it.

So tomorrow sleeping in, heading to Sarah’s for a barbecue and enjoying the rest of the weekend.

I did make it out to see Terminator. What a pile of shit. McG had get all “Charlie’s Angel” on it. Since when in a post-apocalyptic war do the chicks have perfect makeup? Bryce Dallas Howard looked like a glowing lady of liesure instead of the wife of the leader of the Resistance fighting for their lives from machines. And just like in Charlie’s Angels, John Connor seemed to have super-powers. I mean, we know super-undercover-detective chicks can’t get all Crouching Tiger in reality. I don’t think any sort of soldier, no matter what, could pull off what John Conner did. Plus there were machines that lived in the water like fish. And a fucked up time-line that made absolutely no sense. And a dumb-ass ending all wrapped up in a pretty bow. Lamer than lame.

So, I’m off to my sanctuary. I’m gonna (try) to sleep like a baby.

-Ali

With jello shots, cake, dildos… you know, the normal stuff.

Highlights from Rachel’s bachelorette party:

• Jello shots – 42 to be exact.
• Lawncare – see the video for a demonstration.
• Boob grabs – a whole lot of ‘em.
• Dancin’ – like fuckin’ fools.
• Sexual charades – I got to do cunnilingus and reverse cowgirl! Well. Not do.
• Trip to a sex shop – Goodies were purchased.
• Sing-a-longs – The 80’s when wild in my house.
• Cupcakes- more frosting ended up on people and my floor than in anyones tummy.
• Loud-ass hollerin’ – crazy loud.
• Being on the radio – this is becoming a theme with Rachel and me.
• Gettin’ thrown out of a bar – oh yeah, first time for me.

It was great magical fun… Kinda like college again. (We won’t talk about how long ago that was for me.) I’ll admit that most of it is fuzzy as I polished off a bottle of wine, numerous jello shots and a few vodka cranberries at the bar. Mike made sure to tell me stories of how when I got home I was whispering about how good all the food was as I shoved it in my mouth and that I wanted to eat frosting off the floor. I don’t believe him, though. I’m lady. I don’t do those things.

I’ll leave it up to the other ladies to fill in any gaps.

We took quite a bit of video, too. Below you’ll get a sample. I’ll try to get everything edited this weekend and really give you guys a show.

For now, enjoy the pics.

I still bounced back the next day and went to my mom’s. I’m a fucking ROCK STAR.

-Ali

Missed me? You better have!

So… we are at a new domain: www.southerndivasecrets.com .  A new little home for my lovely little blog. You might be wondering why. Well, lemme tell you, sugar. Basically my old hosting company blew and I lost the domains. That’s really it. And really, I needed a better domain. The-Spout and Tiaraclink had their time but its long, long over.

So, new home for me! Bookmark it. Add to your RSS reader. Whatever it is you do to keep up with me, change it. I may be looking for a new design, too. So stay tuned for that.

Ok, enough housekeeping. Moving on…

What in the god damn fuck is up with Bones? Everything I read leading up to this finale was all about how they were going to bump uglies for real but it won’t hurt their chemistry because it’s done so clever.

Um. There is nothing clever about faking me out, fuckers. There is nothing real about some coma-induced fantasy dream. THERE WAS NOTHING FUCKING REAL EXCEPT FOR THE TEARS BONES WAS SHEDDING WHEN BOOTH WOKE UP FROM THE DAMN COMA. I feel like a sucker. And I’m pissed.

Not too pissed to not watch the show, but I’m pissed. WORST finale ever. I died a little inside watching that.

David Boreanaz is still so lickable, though. He was dressed like Mike in this episode- blue button down shirt and a navy cabby hat. This of course prompted Mike to say that he’s a trend setter. He’s precious.

Also, I really tried to watch Daisy of Love for Monica so I could blog about it but I just can’t watch that muppet-looking bitch. She’s so annoying. So I’m watching Charm School instead. Episode 1: drunk Beverly ripped porn star Britney Star’s hair out. And it was day one. Hello, awesome. I will have some excellent blogs.
Plus, I really like Ricki Lake. I don’t care if her talk show was total crap.

The Office finale was kinda disappointing. I wanted Holly and Micheal to get back together.

This weekend should be fun. I’m hosting Rachel’s Bachelorette Pre-party at my house and then we are going shake our asses at a club. I’m making crawfish cornbread, shrimp dip and jello shots. Debauchery will ensue and we’ll have the flip video. I’ve not been to a bachelorette party in a while so this should be a hoot.

I’m loving the new domain. It feels like home.
-Ali

This ain’t your daddy’s Star Trek, kids.

I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s watching cheesy Star Trek reruns with my dad. Captain Kirk and the crew in bad make-up  stomping around on hollow, sound-stage planets and enduring camera shaking blasts to the plastic Starship Enterprise.  I mean, we are talking top of the line, expensive, stinky-ass cheese.

As a kid it was somewhat interesting. It was usually the best thing playing on our non-cable TV on those long, boring no-friends-sleeping-over weekends.  We moved to Houston when I was 10 which meant cable and neighborhood kids. I quickly realized how terrible the show was and never watched another episode again. Nor have I ever seen a movie. I did watch a little bit of New Generation, but that was from a crush I had on Wil Wheaton. It quickly passed and so did my interest in the show. I’ve not seen anything Star Trek related since.

Until now.

I first heard about in Entertainment Weekly. They announced Zachary Quinto being cast as Spock. SYLER AS SPOCK. I just thought- Fuckin’ genius! (For you non-Heroes watchers, Syler is the uber bad guy who murders heroes and absorbs their powers.) Quinto has this incredible ability to keep a smooth, eerie calm to his voice no matter what the situation is. It’s deep and soothing while bone-chilling all at once. Add in his dark hair and thick, black eyebrows and it’s apparent he was put on this earth to play the new generation Spock.

Then I heard that this was a JJ Abrahms baby and I was hooked. After seeing Cloverfield I knew this new foray into the final frontier would be a spectacular ride. And I wasn’t disappointed.

This is an origins story. We see how Kirk and the crew came together. They aren’t the experienced men and women we’ve known forever. These are hot-headed, cocksure kids with genius IQ’s and lethal combat training.

Chris Pine’s Kirk is rebellious and fearless. And funny. And hot. Seriously so. Where Shatner’s Kirk had those crazy pauses and over-the-top grimaces of “thoughtful” looks, he’s got smart-ass quips, quick punches and is simply a smoooooth motherfucker.

Spock is smart and logical and methodical and all things a good Vulcan boy should be. But what Quinto brings to the character besides youth is a more human and emotional element. Spock is half human and Quintos performance really brings that forth. Even in the scenes where he’s running through logic, he’s more human and less robotic than Nemoy’s Spock. He’s more… real. There are nuances in his face that said it all.

The entire movie is more real. That’s what, to me, this franchise has always lacked. Plausibility. Not just the plot lines or the special effects, but in the performances, too.  It’s modernized and youthful and fast-paced and simply fantastic.

And for the rest of the cast- Simon Pegg was perfection. Karl Urban was dead on as McCoy. Zoe Saldana was gorgeous and sultry and brilliant. And John Cho was a great Sulu. Who knew Herold could be an action star? And Eric Bana is almost unrecognizable but so fierce.

Seriously awesome. I’m a big fan of bad-ass, special-effect overload, out of this world movies and this one is toying with knocking Transformers out of the top spot. And for those who don’t know how much I love that movie- I’ve seen it probably close to 100 times. I actually squealed when I saw the new trailer last week.

And yes, I’ll be seeing this one again.

-Ali

Today no one was at work. Between the flu and vacations and sales training and whatever else it was a ghost town. So me and Neal (the two people with no vehicles) were all “Let’s go to lunch! And lets go someplace we have to drive to!”.

Fail.

So, Neal’s all “We can take the bus!”. Hi. I’m from Kingwood. We don’t have buses there unless you ride one of them fancy commuter ones or a school bus. I have never in the 23 years I’ve lived in Houston ridden the bus.  So, Neal figures out the schedule and whatnot and off we go.

We wait. It was late. We start questioning ourselves. “Are we at the right stop? Should we go to one down the street? Are big losers?” Finally it came. And you know what? Not bad. Air conditioned. Took us almost right to the restaurant. We didn’t die.

We celebrated with fried pickles.

Biggest drawback? Waiting in the heat. Other than that, I’d do it again.  I feel like such an urbanite! Even in a car-riddled city like Houston.

Other things:

Dancing with the Stars: I was totally sad to see Lil’ Kim go. She wanted to win so bad. And she came off so sweet! So not the ghetto, pastie-wearing ex-con I imagined! I think Ty Murry is adorable, but homey can’t dance. Come on, y’all.

Idol: WTF Paula? I equate that crazy shit with Brit-Brit’s VMA drug-haze performance from a couple of years ago. I LOVED PAULA back in the day. She had serious moves. I still think that quadruple switch-foot pirouette she did in the Cold Hearted video was one of the greatest dance moves, ever.  See?

Her performance was so SAD! She had no precision, no pop. It was like she was sleep-walking through that. Sleep walking while lip-syncing.

And Gwen Stefani? I LOVE HER. Why did she do that? She’s grown-ass woman with two kids, y’all.  It just looked like she was trying to re-live 1996. 13 years, man. That’s a whole sassy-mouthed teenager. You just can’t pull off “I’m Just A Girl” with a ridiculous faux-punk look at 39 with 2 kids and a designer clothing line complete with signature fragrance.

As for the actual contestants, I’m glad Gokey stayed even though he butchered both songs. I wish it would have been Chris going home, though. I liked Allison.

Also, I promised an Easter blog but it’s been so long I just can’t commit an entire one for it. So, we played games. We drank. We ate crawfish and alligator. MIKE ate alligator and didn’t hate it. (Crawfish is next!!! I will make him a Cajun before it’s over. Much to his chagrin.) The kids got tons of Easter goodies and went on an Easter egg hunt (in plain sight).

Here’s a few pics. Click for the full size! (Mike was the photographer so he’s not in any. Sadface.)

Also, I set up a Tumblr account if any of you darling readers have one, please add me: http://diva-ali.tumblr.com/

For those who don’t know what that is, lemme explain. It’s sort of in-between Twitter and a blog. You get a feed like Twitter and you have followers but you can post as much as you want in a post along with pics and videos- but only one per post. You don’t have comments or anything, though. You can have a small answer box, but it only has like 140 characters. You can “heart” each post if you like it and it’s called notes. And really that’s it. It’s just another time-suck and way to whore myself.  I like it so far.

Alright, I’m out. I promise to blog more. PROMISE.

Hugs,
-Ali

I am seriously embarrassed for all the people I know. All of you who send us notices asking for donations for walks you are doing. All of you have KIDS. Hello? I know money is tight, but $5?

The only people who have donated are me and my mom. That is SAD.

So, please, my darling readers and all the people I know, donate for my sister. Girl hasn’t even raised enough to get a free t-shirt.

You can do it easily online.

Click here, bitches!

Hugs and kisses-

Ali

PS: I swear the Easter blog is next. Egg hunts, little kids with chocolate suckers and drunk adults doing dance review poses.  It’ll be a hoot.

Do y’all even know what that bitch did? She bought me a plane ticket to LA, fed me tons of yummy food, got me liquored up, let me hang out with Megs AND let me decorate her new office AND her new apartment.

That girl is the devil. Just the absolute fucking epitome of evil.

It all started when she asked for my input on her new office. I picked out some colors and gave her some suggestions and she was all “OMG YOU HAVE TO COME HERE. I’M BUYING YOUR TICKET NOW, BIATCH.”

And I’m all, “Sure that sounds fun.” I was at work and slammed. I couldn’t freak out too much.

Inside I’m quietly screaming “OMG I GET TO GO TO LA. AND SEE NANCY. AND EAT. AND DECORATE. AND DRINK. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!”

Like, my three most favorite things in the world to do and I get to see Nancy to boot.

Uh. Fuck yeah!

So, off I went for a 38 hour whirl-wind weekend with Nancy in beautiful LA.

It was go-go-go from the time I landed. Momma picked me up and off we went to Amalfi’s for a late dinner. Hello, foodgasm #1. I ordered a mushroom risotto that was so fucking fabulous I could have died right there totally happy.

Meg and her friend Natalie came to meet us. Hi. Megs is gorgeous. Nat’s a cutie, too, but Meg? Scroll down a bit and you’ll see. We were too busy to take any pics that night but we got some on Saturday.

Next, we head to The Comedy Store. We drink. We heckle and join in the show. We keep it open past closing. It was FABOO. I finally went to sleep around 5 am which is 7 am Houston time. I was officially up for over 24 hours. Total college flashbacks.

So, around 11:oo we finally drag our fabulous asses out of bed. And we are hungry. There is a place in LA called The Griddle that I’ve heard all about. Incredible food and possible celeb watching. Sadly, no celebs. But OMG THE FOOD. Totally worth the wait, y’all. Aren’t we cute waiting?

We had a fatgirl feast. I got some sort of mexican scramble and she got a scramble with shrimp and pesto or something. Delish. But that’s not the best part. We got “dessert” to share.

Butterscotch chip caramel walnut pancakes. SON! Foodgasm #2.

We couldn’t even eat a third of them. OH and they had the best coffee served in a french press. Really, stupidly, crazy outstanding.

After that it was decorating time! Her office is great, especially for a new company. The paint colors I picked out were PHEEEENOMINAL. We re-arranged her furniture and picked out some accessories. We didn’t take pics because we didn’t go back after shopping, but when she’s done I’ll make her take some and I’ll post them.

Then it was off to her new place. Adorable. Granite countertops, hard wood and tile with a view of the hills, a pool and an elevator. We picked out some great colors for the walls and figured out where to place her furniture. And we really wanted to go lay by her pool, but there was some shopping and In and Out burgers and drinking to be had.

We then got all cute and went to pick up Megs. We went to Boa so I could meet Nancy’s roomie Caleb (or soon-to-be-ex roomie since she’s now got her own place) and basically got tanked and people watched. Honestly, what the fuck do people think when they leave the house? I actually got a picture of one chick. The outfit was so tight that the fabric was pulling so much you could see through it- including the crack of her ass. And the shoes where awful. She couldn’t even walk in the stupid things. The picture doesn’t really do it justice.

And here’s us: Me and two gorgeous ladies!

Now, let me please tell you. These two chicas have been telling me the entire time about bacon wrapped hotdogs. We went searching for them the night before but had stayed at the comedy club too long. Apparently, just between the hours of 1 and 2 am, these little vendors set up with a hotplate skillet thingy and all the fixins for some seriously DELICIOUS snacks. They take hotdogs, wrap them in bacon and grill them. You can add onions and peppers, mayo, mustard and ketchup. I had mine sans ketchup and let me tell you what, my friends. It was RIDICULOUS. So good. Especially to a bacon and hotdog lovin’ girl like me. Honestly one of the best things I’ve ever eaten. And they didn’t skimp on those dogs. They were the big fat meaty ones.

We drove around a bit more, through the hills seeing the sites. Ended up having to stop in the COLDEST grocery store ever to pee and get Tums. Got waited on by an old man who I swear has to be in the witness protection program. He was all “Ay, you got some heartburn? That’s the woist. This stuff right here will fix you right up.” I forget what all he was saying but I’m fairly sure the Sopranos was based on his life.

We made it in about 4 and passed out.

I had to catch my plane home around 1230, so we were rushing like fools. I left a bra and my bath stuff there. Which is awesome considering I was going out of town the following weekend and had nothing to take with me. We were starving so we ate leftover butterscotch chip caramel walnut pancakes in the car. Cold. But still rockin’ awesome. I’m sure we were cute shoving it in our faces at red lights.

And that was that. I got on a plane and came home, exhausted but so happy that I went.

Nancy, thank you for your hospitality and generosity. You sure know how to woo a chick. I HEART YOU SO HARD! MWAH!

And this concludes how I ate my way through Los Angeles.

Next blog will be all about Easter, camping, Madeline and Mike eating fried alligator.

I HEART LA.
-Ali