The Divine Secrets of a Southern Diva

Do y’all even know what that bitch did? She bought me a plane ticket to LA, fed me tons of yummy food, got me liquored up, let me hang out with Megs AND let me decorate her new office AND her new apartment.

That girl is the devil. Just the absolute fucking epitome of evil.

It all started when she asked for my input on her new office. I picked out some colors and gave her some suggestions and she was all “OMG YOU HAVE TO COME HERE. I’M BUYING YOUR TICKET NOW, BIATCH.”

And I’m all, “Sure that sounds fun.” I was at work and slammed. I couldn’t freak out too much.

Inside I’m quietly screaming “OMG I GET TO GO TO LA. AND SEE NANCY. AND EAT. AND DECORATE. AND DRINK. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!”

Like, my three most favorite things in the world to do and I get to see Nancy to boot.

Uh. Fuck yeah!

So, off I went for a 38 hour whirl-wind weekend with Nancy in beautiful LA.

It was go-go-go from the time I landed. Momma picked me up and off we went to Amalfi’s for a late dinner. Hello, foodgasm #1. I ordered a mushroom risotto that was so fucking fabulous I could have died right there totally happy.

Meg and her friend Natalie came to meet us. Hi. Megs is gorgeous. Nat’s a cutie, too, but Meg? Scroll down a bit and you’ll see. We were too busy to take any pics that night but we got some on Saturday.

Next, we head to The Comedy Store. We drink. We heckle and join in the show. We keep it open past closing. It was FABOO. I finally went to sleep around 5 am which is 7 am Houston time. I was officially up for over 24 hours. Total college flashbacks.

So, around 11:oo we finally drag our fabulous asses out of bed. And we are hungry. There is a place in LA called The Griddle that I’ve heard all about. Incredible food and possible celeb watching. Sadly, no celebs. But OMG THE FOOD. Totally worth the wait, y’all. Aren’t we cute waiting?

We had a fatgirl feast. I got some sort of mexican scramble and she got a scramble with shrimp and pesto or something. Delish. But that’s not the best part. We got “dessert” to share.

Butterscotch chip caramel walnut pancakes. SON! Foodgasm #2.

We couldn’t even eat a third of them. OH and they had the best coffee served in a french press. Really, stupidly, crazy outstanding.

After that it was decorating time! Her office is great, especially for a new company. The paint colors I picked out were PHEEEENOMINAL. We re-arranged her furniture and picked out some accessories. We didn’t take pics because we didn’t go back after shopping, but when she’s done I’ll make her take some and I’ll post them.

Then it was off to her new place. Adorable. Granite countertops, hard wood and tile with a view of the hills, a pool and an elevator. We picked out some great colors for the walls and figured out where to place her furniture. And we really wanted to go lay by her pool, but there was some shopping and In and Out burgers and drinking to be had.

We then got all cute and went to pick up Megs. We went to Boa so I could meet Nancy’s roomie Caleb (or soon-to-be-ex roomie since she’s now got her own place) and basically got tanked and people watched. Honestly, what the fuck do people think when they leave the house? I actually got a picture of one chick. The outfit was so tight that the fabric was pulling so much you could see through it- including the crack of her ass. And the shoes where awful. She couldn’t even walk in the stupid things. The picture doesn’t really do it justice.

And here’s us: Me and two gorgeous ladies!

Now, let me please tell you. These two chicas have been telling me the entire time about bacon wrapped hotdogs. We went searching for them the night before but had stayed at the comedy club too long. Apparently, just between the hours of 1 and 2 am, these little vendors set up with a hotplate skillet thingy and all the fixins for some seriously DELICIOUS snacks. They take hotdogs, wrap them in bacon and grill them. You can add onions and peppers, mayo, mustard and ketchup. I had mine sans ketchup and let me tell you what, my friends. It was RIDICULOUS. So good. Especially to a bacon and hotdog lovin’ girl like me. Honestly one of the best things I’ve ever eaten. And they didn’t skimp on those dogs. They were the big fat meaty ones.

We drove around a bit more, through the hills seeing the sites. Ended up having to stop in the COLDEST grocery store ever to pee and get Tums. Got waited on by an old man who I swear has to be in the witness protection program. He was all “Ay, you got some heartburn? That’s the woist. This stuff right here will fix you right up.” I forget what all he was saying but I’m fairly sure the Sopranos was based on his life.

We made it in about 4 and passed out.

I had to catch my plane home around 1230, so we were rushing like fools. I left a bra and my bath stuff there. Which is awesome considering I was going out of town the following weekend and had nothing to take with me. We were starving so we ate leftover butterscotch chip caramel walnut pancakes in the car. Cold. But still rockin’ awesome. I’m sure we were cute shoving it in our faces at red lights.

And that was that. I got on a plane and came home, exhausted but so happy that I went.

Nancy, thank you for your hospitality and generosity. You sure know how to woo a chick. I HEART YOU SO HARD! MWAH!

And this concludes how I ate my way through Los Angeles.

Next blog will be all about Easter, camping, Madeline and Mike eating fried alligator.

I HEART LA.
-Ali