She sold me on that solo. GOD, the pirouettes into a paused attitude.  Hello?! THAT alone should make her the winner. And that PASO.  Katie Swick, THAT is what I’m talking about when I say Paso is my favorite Latin Dance. That was easily the best I’d ever seen.

I think Brandon was great. I think Kayla was great. I think Evan was decent. His dance with Brandon really showed his weakness, I thought. GOD HELP ME IF HE WINS. I’d be ok with anyone else beating Jeanine but not him. She just draws my attention no matter who is on stage with her. She’s got really strong features and just this presence. Plus, I dig her eyebrows. I know, that’s a weird thing to focus on, but they are black and thick and perfect. Just like her hair.

I’m not sure how I feel about them in the Kodak theater. On one hand, I love that the show has gained so much popularity that the finale can be in there but on the other it seemed to be distracting. I didn’t like the red everywhere. I think it took away from the dancers. The think I love so much about the SYTYCD set is that it’s a light silvery gray that lets the dancers and the costumes pop. That kinda got lost there.

But WHATEVS. Jeanine should win. Final. Done. THE END. I have spoken.

In other news, I partied like I was 22 on Saturday and I’m so NOT 22. You can peruse the pics below. It was loads of fun. I’ve been hearing around the office that some people are sad they weren’t invited but I DIDN’T DO THE INVITING, MAN! So Kristy and I will take it upon ourselves to plan a monthly outing with everyone who could ever possibly want to go and get their Karaoke on.

I also wrote a blog for work over social media. Go check it out.

And Mikey’s birthday is this weekend. My family is coming over for dinner Saturday and Sunday we are going to dinner at Josephines. It’s this delicious traditional Italian restaurant, just like in the movies. The name is over the front door in cursive, the table clothes are red and white check and Italian music serenades you as you eat. And omg THE CANOLES. Faboo. We’ll have to get some photos when we are there because they don’t even have a website (the horror!).

Enjoy the pics!

-Ali

100th episode! Big Katie Holmes buildup! The performance was ok. Singing was ok. Dancing was ok for as much as she actually did. I mean, that was EASY shit.  However, I’d have actually been proud of that crap HAD SHE DONE IT LIVE. And they tried to make you think she was! With the obvious video then cutting away to the performance on the actually SYTYCD stage that was actually pre-taped. That was such build up for nothing. It’s like pre-mature ejaculation. So much excitement, so little satisfaction.

And Jeanette and Jason left! SAD. FACE. SAD, SAD FACE! I was fully expecting Kayla and Brandon. I would have been ok with that. But NOT Spicy Tamale and Pretty Feet! NO NO NO.

*sigh*

On an up note, someone posted this on Facebook. I need y’all to vote. Should Mike and I rock this when we actually cough up the cash to do the big deed? Sarah? What do you think?

Boogie’n my ass to bed… well, watching Buffy then making with the boogie’n.
-Ali

Personally, I like to call us women.  You know, with breasts and hips and high-heels. Some of us have sass and some of us have shampoo-commercial hair. You see us every day, walking past you at the mall, in your office or on the bus. We come  in all shapes and sizes and colors. Some of us are funny and super-smart. Some of us are nurturing. Some of are big balls of fun. And some of us are all of the above. And I know all of this because I am all of this.

So, it totally irks my cheese to see a show like More To Love.   It’s basically The Bachelor for fat kids. The premise of the show is for “real women” find their perfect love with this bachelor… a guy who likes big women. A guy who is also big. It’s the nerd fraternity of dating shows. As if no one else would date these people but their own kind. Its like TV execs wanted to throw the fat kids a pity-fuck. Might as well have called it  Omega Mu of Love. (Mad respect to all who get that ref.)

I’d said on Facebook that I wasn’t going to be watching, but I’ve changed my mind. I’d like to know what kind of women they chose for the show. If it’s a bunch of whiny I-hate-myselves, I’m going to barf. I mean, I’ve seen the previews. They are all beautiful. But why are they there? What makes them think they need to go on some gimmicky TV show? If they want to get into to TV and think this is how, I’d actually respect that more than thinking they were going to find true love. But I get the feeling from some of the tearful previews that these chicks are clinging to this as some last hope. The ridiculous come-on lines they giving the guy, the crying about finding themselves. Like, you really need to make a fool of yourself on national TV to do that? On a show that is ridiculing and demoralizing who you are?

Since high school, I’ve been a size 11+. Since I was about 18, I’ve never had an issue getting male attention. The guys weren’t always great, but that’s a different lesson for another blog. (I learned all about finding good ones way later in life.) The point is, I didn’t sit at home crying in my ice-cream about not getting dates because I was getting them. Cute guys, funny guys, hot guys, smart guys, dumb guys… I dated all sorts.  The older I got, the more confidence and wisdom I had the easier it was. I’m at the biggest I’ve ever been in my life right now and I still get it. It’s not just men, it’s from people in general.

That’s not to say I don’t have any insecurities. God, no. Just because I accept them doesn’t mean I’m ok with them. Do I wish I was fit? Yes. Do I wish I had better hair? Yes. Do I wish I were taller? Yes. But those insecurities don’t define me and they certainly don’t hold me back. I walk into a room and I own it because I believe in myself. I know I’m funny and I’m smart and I’m creative. I know my strengths and use them, both in my personality and my appearance. I do thinks that make me feel good and I’m happy being me.

I’m not writing this to brag about my awesomeness, so please don’t take it that way. I just don’t know how to help other women who have self-esteem issues to get past them to see their own awesomeness. I actually get asked for advice on this a lot. I wish I could snap my fingers and make them see how amazing THEY are and to be able to feel for a moment what it’s like to believe in yourself and really, truly love themselves insecurities, faults and all.

So a show like this just pisses me off to all levels of pistivity. What I’d like to see is plus-sized, beautiful, confident ladies competing against socially-acceptable sized, beautiful, confident ladies for a man. The dude needs to be a catch- cute, funny, successful and most of all, a great big heart. No arrogant douchebags or self-pitying sad puppy types. Let them all compete for his affections and let the best woman win. THAT’S reality, my friends. Well, also 20 chicks aren’t usually competing for the same guy unless you live in Alaska… but I think it’s the other way around there. ANYWAY, I think that sort of show where women of all sizes are seen as equals and not classed differently would do a lot more for women’s self esteem concerning body issues than this dumb-ass show.

Sidebar: I typed “pistivity” and my spell check didn’t catch it. So I go to Merriam-Webster and sure enough, it’s a word. I totally thought it was just a funny Ali-ism I made up years ago. Ya always learn something new reading my blogs.

Double side bar: So, I haven’t been blogging lately and I don’t know why. I just haven’t felt all bloggy lately. Which is weird. At this rate, I’ll be taking over the internet wearing depends and false teeth. I’m going to try to make an effort to blog more regularly. Y’all should tell me what kinds of topics y’all want to read. I’ll try to accommodate.

As for me, here are some highlights from the last couple of months:

• I had a birthday- the big 3-4. Officially mid-thirties now.  Mikey got me my very own full set of Buffy DVD’s along with some other cute little things AND Sugarbaby’s cupcakes. It was a nice birthday. Megan and Kristen took me out one night to Benjy’s and my parents took me out to Italianos.
• We’ve been planning our vacation to go “down the shore” as the Jersey folk say. SO excited!
• I’ve been re-watching Bones and drooling over David Boreanaz while Mike screams out “HIYOID!” as in “HI-OH” Ed McMahan/Brett Michaels style every time they mention that particular bone. And I always crack up.
• Kristen spent 4th of July weekend with us. We pretty much ate and drank our way through it. And watched Bones.
• I saw my old college friend Marna that I reconnected with through Facebook this weekend which was hoot. We’re gonna do drinks and dinner soon. Hopefully. And maybe Terry will join us.
• Mike has a couple of clients he’s doing some cool projects for. I hope they can turn into something big.
• My sister and my sister-in-law are both pregnant and due in January about a week or so apart. It’s like baby-fest around here.
• My niece has learned that every one drinks beer and she drinks water. “Madeline, what’s daddy drinking?” “Beewr!” I love that so hard.
• She also loves my purse, bracelets and blackberry. She has to wear my bracelet while taking everything out of my purse and handing it to me, then put it all back in. And apparently she has a shoe fetish. She got her first pair of Nike Shox and begs to wear them. She picks them out over all other shoes and walks around showing them to everyone pointing at her foot in the air saying “shoes!”. Seriously, she’s only 18 months old. I LOVE it.
• She also loves Mike. She calls him “Dee-dee”. We don’t know why. But she loves to say his name over and over again. “Hiiiii Dee Dee!” Until he responds to her. Or Sarah will call me and tell her it’s me and she’s screaming “Hiiii Dee-dee!” even if he’s not with me. She’ll finally say my name but Dee-dee is always first.
• Sarah and I spent the afternoon doing lunch, a mani/pedi and the chocolate store. The perfect day for a pregnant lady and her chubby sister. I had a blast.

So, I think you are all caught up with me. Catch me up on you, ok?

WARNING: Next blog will most likely be filled with So You Think You Can Dance. Because it’s the greatest show on TV right now. (Except for Bones but that’s more because I want to lick David Boreanaz.)

Hugs,
Ali

Highlights from Rachel’s bachelorette party:

• Jello shots – 42 to be exact.
• Lawncare – see the video for a demonstration.
• Boob grabs – a whole lot of ‘em.
• Dancin’ – like fuckin’ fools.
• Sexual charades – I got to do cunnilingus and reverse cowgirl! Well. Not do.
• Trip to a sex shop – Goodies were purchased.
• Sing-a-longs – The 80′s when wild in my house.
• Cupcakes- more frosting ended up on people and my floor than in anyones tummy.
• Loud-ass hollerin’ – crazy loud.
• Being on the radio – this is becoming a theme with Rachel and me.
• Gettin’ thrown out of a bar – oh yeah, first time for me.

It was great magical fun… Kinda like college again. (We won’t talk about how long ago that was for me.) I’ll admit that most of it is fuzzy as I polished off a bottle of wine, numerous jello shots and a few vodka cranberries at the bar. Mike made sure to tell me stories of how when I got home I was whispering about how good all the food was as I shoved it in my mouth and that I wanted to eat frosting off the floor. I don’t believe him, though. I’m lady. I don’t do those things.

I’ll leave it up to the other ladies to fill in any gaps.

We took quite a bit of video, too. Below you’ll get a sample. I’ll try to get everything edited this weekend and really give you guys a show.

For now, enjoy the pics.

I still bounced back the next day and went to my mom’s. I’m a fucking ROCK STAR.

-Ali

So… we are at a new domain: www.southerndivasecrets.com .  A new little home for my lovely little blog. You might be wondering why. Well, lemme tell you, sugar. Basically my old hosting company blew and I lost the domains. That’s really it. And really, I needed a better domain. The-Spout and Tiaraclink had their time but its long, long over.

So, new home for me! Bookmark it. Add to your RSS reader. Whatever it is you do to keep up with me, change it. I may be looking for a new design, too. So stay tuned for that.

Ok, enough housekeeping. Moving on…

What in the god damn fuck is up with Bones? Everything I read leading up to this finale was all about how they were going to bump uglies for real but it won’t hurt their chemistry because it’s done so clever.

Um. There is nothing clever about faking me out, fuckers. There is nothing real about some coma-induced fantasy dream. THERE WAS NOTHING FUCKING REAL EXCEPT FOR THE TEARS BONES WAS SHEDDING WHEN BOOTH WOKE UP FROM THE DAMN COMA. I feel like a sucker. And I’m pissed.

Not too pissed to not watch the show, but I’m pissed. WORST finale ever. I died a little inside watching that.

David Boreanaz is still so lickable, though. He was dressed like Mike in this episode- blue button down shirt and a navy cabby hat. This of course prompted Mike to say that he’s a trend setter. He’s precious.

Also, I really tried to watch Daisy of Love for Monica so I could blog about it but I just can’t watch that muppet-looking bitch. She’s so annoying. So I’m watching Charm School instead. Episode 1: drunk Beverly ripped porn star Britney Star’s hair out. And it was day one. Hello, awesome. I will have some excellent blogs.
Plus, I really like Ricki Lake. I don’t care if her talk show was total crap.

The Office finale was kinda disappointing. I wanted Holly and Micheal to get back together.

This weekend should be fun. I’m hosting Rachel’s Bachelorette Pre-party at my house and then we are going shake our asses at a club. I’m making crawfish cornbread, shrimp dip and jello shots. Debauchery will ensue and we’ll have the flip video. I’ve not been to a bachelorette party in a while so this should be a hoot.

I’m loving the new domain. It feels like home.
-Ali

Fail.

So, Neal’s all “We can take the bus!”. Hi. I’m from Kingwood. We don’t have buses there unless you ride one of them fancy commuter ones or a school bus. I have never in the 23 years I’ve lived in Houston ridden the bus.  So, Neal figures out the schedule and whatnot and off we go.

We wait. It was late. We start questioning ourselves. “Are we at the right stop? Should we go to one down the street? Are big losers?” Finally it came. And you know what? Not bad. Air conditioned. Took us almost right to the restaurant. We didn’t die.

We celebrated with fried pickles.

Biggest drawback? Waiting in the heat. Other than that, I’d do it again.  I feel like such an urbanite! Even in a car-riddled city like Houston.

Other things:

Dancing with the Stars: I was totally sad to see Lil’ Kim go. She wanted to win so bad. And she came off so sweet! So not the ghetto, pastie-wearing ex-con I imagined! I think Ty Murry is adorable, but homey can’t dance. Come on, y’all.

Idol: WTF Paula? I equate that crazy shit with Brit-Brit’s VMA drug-haze performance from a couple of years ago. I LOVED PAULA back in the day. She had serious moves. I still think that quadruple switch-foot pirouette she did in the Cold Hearted video was one of the greatest dance moves, ever.  See?

Her performance was so SAD! She had no precision, no pop. It was like she was sleep-walking through that. Sleep walking while lip-syncing.

And Gwen Stefani? I LOVE HER. Why did she do that? She’s grown-ass woman with two kids, y’all.  It just looked like she was trying to re-live 1996. 13 years, man. That’s a whole sassy-mouthed teenager. You just can’t pull off “I’m Just A Girl” with a ridiculous faux-punk look at 39 with 2 kids and a designer clothing line complete with signature fragrance.

As for the actual contestants, I’m glad Gokey stayed even though he butchered both songs. I wish it would have been Chris going home, though. I liked Allison.

Also, I promised an Easter blog but it’s been so long I just can’t commit an entire one for it. So, we played games. We drank. We ate crawfish and alligator. MIKE ate alligator and didn’t hate it. (Crawfish is next!!! I will make him a Cajun before it’s over. Much to his chagrin.) The kids got tons of Easter goodies and went on an Easter egg hunt (in plain sight).

Here’s a few pics. Click for the full size! (Mike was the photographer so he’s not in any. Sadface.)

Also, I set up a Tumblr account if any of you darling readers have one, please add me: http://diva-ali.tumblr.com/

For those who don’t know what that is, lemme explain. It’s sort of in-between Twitter and a blog. You get a feed like Twitter and you have followers but you can post as much as you want in a post along with pics and videos- but only one per post. You don’t have comments or anything, though. You can have a small answer box, but it only has like 140 characters. You can “heart” each post if you like it and it’s called notes. And really that’s it. It’s just another time-suck and way to whore myself.  I like it so far.

Alright, I’m out. I promise to blog more. PROMISE.

Hugs,
-Ali

That girl is the devil. Just the absolute fucking epitome of evil.

It all started when she asked for my input on her new office. I picked out some colors and gave her some suggestions and she was all “OMG YOU HAVE TO COME HERE. I’M BUYING YOUR TICKET NOW, BIATCH.”

And I’m all, “Sure that sounds fun.” I was at work and slammed. I couldn’t freak out too much.

Inside I’m quietly screaming “OMG I GET TO GO TO LA. AND SEE NANCY. AND EAT. AND DECORATE. AND DRINK. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!”

Like, my three most favorite things in the world to do and I get to see Nancy to boot.

Uh. Fuck yeah!

So, off I went for a 38 hour whirl-wind weekend with Nancy in beautiful LA.

It was go-go-go from the time I landed. Momma picked me up and off we went to Amalfi’s for a late dinner. Hello, foodgasm #1. I ordered a mushroom risotto that was so fucking fabulous I could have died right there totally happy.

Meg and her friend Natalie came to meet us. Hi. Megs is gorgeous. Nat’s a cutie, too, but Meg? Scroll down a bit and you’ll see. We were too busy to take any pics that night but we got some on Saturday.

Next, we head to The Comedy Store. We drink. We heckle and join in the show. We keep it open past closing. It was FABOO. I finally went to sleep around 5 am which is 7 am Houston time. I was officially up for over 24 hours. Total college flashbacks.

So, around 11:oo we finally drag our fabulous asses out of bed. And we are hungry. There is a place in LA called The Griddle that I’ve heard all about. Incredible food and possible celeb watching. Sadly, no celebs. But OMG THE FOOD. Totally worth the wait, y’all. Aren’t we cute waiting?

We had a fatgirl feast. I got some sort of mexican scramble and she got a scramble with shrimp and pesto or something. Delish. But that’s not the best part. We got “dessert” to share.

Butterscotch chip caramel walnut pancakes. SON! Foodgasm #2.

We couldn’t even eat a third of them. OH and they had the best coffee served in a french press. Really, stupidly, crazy outstanding.

After that it was decorating time! Her office is great, especially for a new company. The paint colors I picked out were PHEEEENOMINAL. We re-arranged her furniture and picked out some accessories. We didn’t take pics because we didn’t go back after shopping, but when she’s done I’ll make her take some and I’ll post them.

Then it was off to her new place. Adorable. Granite countertops, hard wood and tile with a view of the hills, a pool and an elevator. We picked out some great colors for the walls and figured out where to place her furniture. And we really wanted to go lay by her pool, but there was some shopping and In and Out burgers and drinking to be had.

We then got all cute and went to pick up Megs. We went to Boa so I could meet Nancy’s roomie Caleb (or soon-to-be-ex roomie since she’s now got her own place) and basically got tanked and people watched. Honestly, what the fuck do people think when they leave the house? I actually got a picture of one chick. The outfit was so tight that the fabric was pulling so much you could see through it- including the crack of her ass. And the shoes where awful. She couldn’t even walk in the stupid things. The picture doesn’t really do it justice.

And here’s us: Me and two gorgeous ladies!

Now, let me please tell you. These two chicas have been telling me the entire time about bacon wrapped hotdogs. We went searching for them the night before but had stayed at the comedy club too long. Apparently, just between the hours of 1 and 2 am, these little vendors set up with a hotplate skillet thingy and all the fixins for some seriously DELICIOUS snacks. They take hotdogs, wrap them in bacon and grill them. You can add onions and peppers, mayo, mustard and ketchup. I had mine sans ketchup and let me tell you what, my friends. It was RIDICULOUS. So good. Especially to a bacon and hotdog lovin’ girl like me. Honestly one of the best things I’ve ever eaten. And they didn’t skimp on those dogs. They were the big fat meaty ones.

We drove around a bit more, through the hills seeing the sites. Ended up having to stop in the COLDEST grocery store ever to pee and get Tums. Got waited on by an old man who I swear has to be in the witness protection program. He was all “Ay, you got some heartburn? That’s the woist. This stuff right here will fix you right up.” I forget what all he was saying but I’m fairly sure the Sopranos was based on his life.

We made it in about 4 and passed out.

I had to catch my plane home around 1230, so we were rushing like fools. I left a bra and my bath stuff there. Which is awesome considering I was going out of town the following weekend and had nothing to take with me. We were starving so we ate leftover butterscotch chip caramel walnut pancakes in the car. Cold. But still rockin’ awesome. I’m sure we were cute shoving it in our faces at red lights.

And that was that. I got on a plane and came home, exhausted but so happy that I went.

Nancy, thank you for your hospitality and generosity. You sure know how to woo a chick. I HEART YOU SO HARD! MWAH!

And this concludes how I ate my way through Los Angeles.

Next blog will be all about Easter, camping, Madeline and Mike eating fried alligator.

I HEART LA.
-Ali

]]> http://www.southerndivasecrets.com/blog/nancy-is-such-a-hater/feed/ 5 http://www.southerndivasecrets.com/blog/are-mah-eyes-deceivin-me/ http://www.southerndivasecrets.com/blog/are-mah-eyes-deceivin-me/#comments Fri, 27 Mar 2009 05:12:16 +0000 Ali http://the-spout.com/tiaraclink/blog/?p=376 My co-worker Kevin’s job is to find awesome stuff on the internet. And when he finds truly superbly awesome stuff, he passes it out.   I’m fairly certain he hit the jackpot with this one (even if he actually saw it on TV first).

This is an infomercial. Someone took all the good parts and chopped it down to a little over 5 minutes of fantabulousness. It has it all! Door breaking down! Hollerin’! Neat-o food appliances! Hip terminology like “jibba jabba”! And some BLING!

But most of all, it has THE man.

Yes, I’m talking about that hip cat from Rocky 3 and the A Team: The Great Mr. T.

I present to you, Flavorwave:

Also, Mike was in Seattle last night for business. Today at the airport he saw this:

In case you can’t make it out, this bitch and her man both have a perfectly ironed crease in their pants. AND she’s wearing stirups. STIRUPS.  I wore those in high school and even then it was pushing the fashion limits for 1992. I just want to know what goes through people’s heads when they get dressed in the morning. And those fuckers where flying to Houston. Y’all know they live in Cleveland or Willis or some shit. They’s goin’ to the big city so they had to put on their good clothes.

Man, I’m such a bitch.

Sunday night Me, Mike and Kristen are going to see Chris Cornell at Warehouse Live. That’s a very intimate venue. I think capacity is like 1500. Y’all jealous? You should be. I get to go re-live high school and college when he kicks it old-school Soundgarden style.  If he pulls out some Temple of the Dog (even without Eddie OMG Vedder) I might have to pee a little.

But I’ll tell y’all one thing. I won’t be wearing no fuckin’ stirups. That’s for DAMN sure.

Since my Buffy marathon, I’ve had a hankerin’ for some good old grungy 90′s alternative rock so I wiped my iPod and filled it the sounds of Nirvana, Candlebox, Counting Crows, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Foo Fighters, Stone Temple Pilots,  Sarah McLachlin and Goo Goo Dolls.  Seriously, the best era of music in my book.

Diggin’ out the docs and flannels…
-Ali

OH PS! Mikey got to ride first class the other day. He was all sorts of pumped. Check out his blog. Y’all should be reading it regularly anyway, bitches.

Not a fucking thing. I am happier than a pig in shit about that.

I feel like we’ve been going non stop since October. Mike’s parents were here, Dianne was here (amazing that my liver survived that) then Christmas and we celebrated 4 times, spent a week in Jersey, came back for New Years then had Madeline’s first birthday.

Oh, and at work, we re-launched our website. Check it out. Plus I trained on an new system for trafficking ads.

So, my plan for this weekend? Mike and I are going on a date Friday night. We are going to check out a new place called Little Bigs. They serve gourmet sliders and wine. HOLLER. AND we can enjoy the pretty weather and the views on a lovely patio.

The rest of the weekend I plan on sleeping in, enjoying my coffee, ordering take out and wearing pajamas. I might venture out to the grocery store but that is still up for debate. I’m also going to have a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon. It’s been years since I’ve seen them and my friend Kristy was so gracious as to let me borrow her dvds. I’m so ready for some ass-kicking vampire staking.

Y’all didn’t know I loved Buffy? Pfft. I do. And Angel. And Roswell. And Smallville. See? There is some shit you people don’t know!

Also, do you y’all remember Laura Winslow? You know, the daughter from Family Matters? Hated Steve Urkle and dated Stefan Irkel?

Homechick is filling in for my bff Niecy Nash on Clean House. She looks good and she’s sassy.

But she ain’t my girl Niecy.

And now, to end this blog with some faboo cute. I mean, tell me this isn’t the cutest 1 year old princess you’ve ever seen in your entire life?

Counting the minutes to Friday night…

-Ali

Edit:

OMG what the fuck is wrong with me? I almost forgot! We have a new president and I’m doing the snoopy dance in celebration. I thought his speech was incredible (which didn’t shock me) and I just can’t wait to see how he changes the country. Fingers crossed!

Also, one of my favorite blogs – The Houstonist- posted some information about inauguration celebrations around town. They love to use people’s flickr photos to enhance their posts and this time they used one of Mikes! It was part of his collection of Obama murals around town. Check it here.

He’s so talented, y’all. It’s ridiculous. The stuff he made for Madeline’s party was so awesome.

My man rules.

Ok, I’m really going to bed now.

No, really.

I’M GOING.

G’night.

1. My family loves to talk about poo and farts. Every dinner that the whole family is together- sister, brother their spouses and my parents, we talk about poo or farts or both. It’s inevitable. We try to behave when new people are around but even then we usually fail. We just love poo.

2. I don’t want to be a mom. I can barely take care of myself let alone another human being. However, holding my niece almost makes me rethink that. When she looks at me and smiles she melts my heart a million times. Nanny Ali will end up being the sucker of all suckers. That kid will get whatever she wants out of me.

3. My brain goes a million miles a minute. I don’t sleep well because I’m constantly thinking of stuff. Stuff I need to do. Stuff that has me worried. Stuff I’m excited about. I sleep maybe a good 3 hours a night. I toss and turn the rest of the time. I wake up several times a night and just think. I wish I could turn it off. By the end of the week I’m exhausted and I crash and burn. I hate it.

4. I have my dream house built in my head already. I’m fairly sure I’ll never be able to have it. I want to live in this neighborhood in a cottage-style house. Small, cozy and perfect. Sadly that costs anywhere from $350,000- a half mil. Um. Yeah.

See, we live in an old neighborhood about a mile outside of downtown Houston. Literally our view is the skyline. There are shops and restaurants and everything awesome within 10 minutes of our house. My office is about a 3 minute drive. And the neighborhood is adorable. Old brick cottages mixed with huge old brick duplexes and new townhomes here and there. It’s just so AWESOME and I never, ever want to leave.

But, if I dream it, it will come, right? I’m going to start a wish book with all the things I want in it, Brit-Brit style. I think she had a wish wall, though. Whatever- she says you need to picture it, put it out there and it will come true. She’s the come-back kid, so I believe, Brit Brit!

5. I want to be famous for my writing. It’s hard to do that when you don’t write much, though. I’m just too tired and too stressed to really let the creative juices flow. And that sucks because I bet I could buy my cute little house with one book. *sigh*

6. Whenever I look at a person or go to a person’s house, I always think about what I would do to their hair or makeup or clothes. I redecorate their house in my head. It’s not that I’m judging or that I think what they’ve done is necessarily wrong, I just can’t stop myself from putting the Ali stamp on it. It’s a curse I got from my mother. Y’all need to realize that the first three channels I flip to out of our 400+ are HGTV, TLC and Style. I love watching makeovers and seeing pretty things and getting ideas. It’s ridic, honestly. I can’t believe Mike hasn’t grown a vagina yet from all of the chick shit that goes on in this house.

7. I have a favorite way to relax. It’s not drinking wine. Or reading. Or writing. Or watching TV. It’s having Mike tickle my feet. I love him to lightly run his fingers all over the bottom, tops, sides. Most people would freak the fuck out by that. Mike can’t even let me get near his feet without giggling like a little girl. Having my feet tickled can put me to sleep and just instantly relax me like nothing else. I like having my hands done, too, but it’s not as good as my feet.

I have other weird things that I like that I refer to as my “secret shames”. Only Mike knows about them. That’s how much I love and trust him.

OK. That’s my 7 things. DON’T JUDGE ME.

Now, who to tag…

I have no idea.

@hella, @diannerbannaner, @gollygeegidget, @nance_pants, @nikkibee, @estera, @rob_k_84